FAKE

Usually I try to take my blog to a 'happy' place.
It is not happening today.

I hate to bare my soul to the world-  friends or foe.
(and I do have a lot of foes)

I often feel like the road runner and wile e coyote is always hatching a plan.  (since Wile E had no luck I am hoping for the same result in my cartoon world)

A few weeks ago my midwife 
 (calm down I go to her for GYN stuff, too.  remember I have no uterus) 
 really hit it on the head for me. 
She asked me
"Does your relationship bring you joy?"

That left me speechless.
 (which is rare since I am one of those eager to please have to fill the silence kind of people)

So that question has spurred a lot of discussions with myself lately.

the answer is no. 
 my relationship with  my girlfriend Caren brings me joy,
my relationship with my 5 yr old daughter brings me joy
and usually my cat, too.

but no, not my boyfriend
    not my older kids
    not my family
those relationships bring me anxiety and worry and guilt
             and sometimes disappointment.
stop criticizing me and how I raise my kids, clean my house, life my life.  Let's leave that to God, okay?

Merry Christmas

it is a difficult time of the year    such emphasis on 'happy' family time blah blah.
        {when I should just be worshipping Christ---I wish my life were that simple}

So if you see me today please don't ask me how I am. 
 cuz I will say fine
             but I am not.
I have have been crying all night and into the morning  trying to find my strength.


don't worry I will be cheerful and smiley by the time I get to work .  cuz I do what I have always done----suck it up and move on.

The Dreaded Follow-thru

Dag Nabbit!!!!
Two weeks ago I threatened my kids by vowing not to get a Christmas Tree if they don't clean their rooms and the upstairs hall.  

Yesterday they replied to my reminder by saying
 "oh, well, we are getting one this weekend at Dad's"

Crap!

What will I do without a Tree???
I hate sticking to my guns.  Damn! I need a Christmas Tree...a real one.  One that was once alive and now has been cut down and shipped down to Massachusetts for me to shove into my mini van and bring home and forget to water.

Should I get  a real small one and hide it in my room?

Please tell my kids to clean up.
Thanks.

12 Things I Really Want for Christmas { I want a four slice toaster}

1. World Peace.  This won't happen until Jesus returns and judges us and makes a New World  so that kind of scares me yet at the same time I can't wait  (except for the judging part -- Yikes)
2. For all of my 8 children to live happy, fulfilled lives.

3. For my 4 grandchildren to be healthy and happy forever.

4. For my parents and family to be healthy and happy

5. A four slice toaster.  (How ridiculous is it that with 5 kids still at home I have a 2 slice toaster. I spend so much time each morning popping bagels in and out)

6. My 5 babies (ages 17 - 6 that live at home)  to keep their rooms clean and help me around the house-- yardwork, dishes, vacuuming, pet care, respect their home, love their siblings and give me some free time to rest my weary bones.

7. A big house with 5 bedrooms and more than one bathroom and a small yard (not this big mess of 6 acres to care for)

8. Organization

9. a Harley Davidson for me.... ya, so first I need to learn how to ride one. but think of how cool I will look!!

10. Healthcare for all US citizens.... free for the elderly... small co-pays for the rest of us.

11. My Ex to leave me alone and move out of state.  (THANK YOU)

12. Books and more books... I love to read.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Feeling Old

Old and grouchy.

not old as in  'my old lady is hot'



but old like I am worn down and out.
Like I live in a trailer with 8 kids, no man, no money. 

Well I live in a house with just 5 kids now -- no man.
A little money. 
But wouldn't it be nice to get some help.