Duh! The answer has always been right in front of me.

As I fret and worry over things I cannot change... I get angry....
Why Why Why?
Now as my body is attacking itself with a bad reaction to Effexor  XR ( that I have been on for 2 years)  ... I  realize I have let negative things enter my body and life.
As I scramble on quick fixes and angry rantings I forgot that God has it covered.
Duh.... Cate of course your life has gone haywire.... You thought you could do it all yourself with no help.
~ I do believe there is evil in this world... it is an imperfect world.  
I have let evil take over me and neglected the One who loves me and has forgiven me and all my sins.
Let's hope I remember this 5 minutes from now when I once again think I can do it all on my own


I thank you Jesus for your love for me,
a sinner who does not deserve one bit of it

Lost

Just stop

I feel a huge urge to jump off this crazy train that I call my life.
I have lost 'me'....  remember back in the 70's everyone was busy finding themselves.  I have found myself and I don't like me at all.  
I am lazy, exhausted, confused, miserable, unloved, mean, selfish, fat, old, ugly....and that's just this morning.

this is what I am searching for.
I know I won't find it.  I have to create it in myself.
blah blah blah.... all that psychobabble talk show crap
 At least my house is clean ish....   since we moved.
My kids still disrespect me
--- so nothing has changed.
I disrespect myself
so how can I blame them???

this is what I thought life would be like
but it certainly is not
more like this 

To:  Meddling terrorist with nothing better to do
than destroy the mother of his children:  ..
I thank you.  You make me stronger everyday
..
All I can do is keep on loving my kids.
Try to love myself
make time for me a little bit.   --like exercise!
Squeeze out some time for my boyfriend.
ah,
enough with the pep talk
I just want to run away.
and hide.
Gonna go lock myself in the bathroom for a few.

Stupid me

I guess you could call me stupid
~~ or dumb.

• I married a misogynist 

Had four babies with him- many more restraining orders.
I divorced him.

• I married an alcoholic adulterer 

I had four babies with him, too.
I divorced him.


*****************************************
My parents think I am a fool.
I certainly didn't live up to their expectations.
I didn't finish college or even high school.
I am not to be trusted with any major decisions
(just as well my brothers can handle their affairs when they croak)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
My kids tell me I am stupid.
?
I don't do drugs,
 I have never been arrested. 
 I breast fed all 8 of them for at least a year.
They believe the manipulations of a terrorist over their mom.
They are convincing authorities now that I am abusive. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They have broken my heart yet I go on loving them
I guess I really am stupid.

How I used to love him

These  pictures break my heart.
How does a man that I once thought walked on water
turn into
hating me so
much he would try to
take away my life?
He forgets it was HIS mother and sister that
tried to have him 'sectioned'
that begged me to get  a restraining order
that forced me to call his Case Manager and
rat him out for being AWOL.
Our daughters deserve two parents
not two warring countries.
So now that the courts have decided that I am to have sole legal/physical
I have become the  MEAN UNSTABLE ABUSIVE Parent???
There are only so many times you can call DCF before they ignore you.
I don't care that you cheated on me & denied it
I don't care that you were addicted to  pills and treated me like shit as I tried to stop you.
Just leave us alone, stop taking me to court.... be a father .... not  a terrorist.

Hey - It's July Already (I miss my kids)

These three are my babies.  14, 10 & 6   .  They left July 1st for their summer visitation with their Dad.
 (My ex-husband-my evil nemesis - but that's another story)
They've been gone for a week now.  I am missing them like crazy.  Although my house is cleaner and there is barely any laundry to do.
My son 18

[my little boy and his prom date]

 and daughter 16 are still home with me but .... barely.   Son is gone (he has his own vehicle) most of the time ...  daughter just bugs me for $ and rides.

this is her at the carnival...... never stopped screaming.

As a mom of eight children... it is quite unsettling to only have 2 home.   Now in all truthfulness I have never had more than 6 kids living at home at once.  The oldest is 30 and the youngest is 6.
   

Home on the Range

Hey, it's been awhile; how have you been?

I turned 49 on Wednesday.

My 14 year old graduated from 8th grade

she is the blonde.  She was actually sort of nice to me since I bought her outfit .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are wrapping up the school year here.  Two high school kids finished Thursday. The Kindergarten kid finished on Friday and two more (4th grade & 8th grade) will wrap it up with a half day on Tuesday.

Confusing!!!

 My daughter's Cosmo shop

My son's Metal Fab shop

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's hope we have a long hot summer.  I need to get to the beach.

 GOOD NEWS bulletin:

My oldest daughter (30) is expecting her 4th baby!!!!   We are excited. She and her husband have  a 10 yr old, 5 year old and 2 year old daughters already.  Pretty sure baby #4 will be a girl, too. :)  Due in mid December.

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Next weekend I will be babysitting for dogs so my older kids can go away for the weekend.   That'll be something .

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Prom

Ah,  Prom Season.

I never went to a prom.

ever.

My brother

(a year younger)

went to about 8 proms.

I kid you not.

My daughters went to proms and

 here

is my baby boy 

and his pretty date.

I have 4 more children

(girls) 

'til this 

Prom 

nonsense will end.

I work at a hair salon.

we have these teens come in

for $65 updos.

The saddest phone call I got a few weeks ago

was a mom

cancelling her daughter's appointment

:(

her daughter and boyfriend had broken up.

UGH!

For those of you teen girls who are not worried 

or think you are above it all

I am 48

(49 in 12 days) 

I still think of the missed 

date

missed dress

corsage

dance 

missed hopes and Cinderella dreams.

But then again I guess I didn't get drunk and puke on an expensive dress