FAKE

Usually I try to take my blog to a 'happy' place.
It is not happening today.

I hate to bare my soul to the world-  friends or foe.
(and I do have a lot of foes)

I often feel like the road runner and wile e coyote is always hatching a plan.  (since Wile E had no luck I am hoping for the same result in my cartoon world)

A few weeks ago my midwife 
 (calm down I go to her for GYN stuff, too.  remember I have no uterus) 
 really hit it on the head for me. 
She asked me
"Does your relationship bring you joy?"

That left me speechless.
 (which is rare since I am one of those eager to please have to fill the silence kind of people)

So that question has spurred a lot of discussions with myself lately.

the answer is no. 
 my relationship with  my girlfriend Caren brings me joy,
my relationship with my 5 yr old daughter brings me joy
and usually my cat, too.

but no, not my boyfriend
    not my older kids
    not my family
those relationships bring me anxiety and worry and guilt
             and sometimes disappointment.
stop criticizing me and how I raise my kids, clean my house, life my life.  Let's leave that to God, okay?

Merry Christmas

it is a difficult time of the year    such emphasis on 'happy' family time blah blah.
        {when I should just be worshipping Christ---I wish my life were that simple}

So if you see me today please don't ask me how I am. 
 cuz I will say fine
             but I am not.
I have have been crying all night and into the morning  trying to find my strength.


don't worry I will be cheerful and smiley by the time I get to work .  cuz I do what I have always done----suck it up and move on.