today and everyday

I am a mother
I am a grandmother
I have 8 children 
I have 4 (very soon to be 5) grandchildren.
That's a lot of blessings
yet my three youngest children do not live with me
they are alienated from me
and it rips me to shreds
it is like an incomplete death
half of me is dead and the other half 
just fakes it.
don't get me wrong my 5 older kids are wonderful to me
I love them so very much
but it does not erase the pain
it almost makes it worse
since I feel I have let them down.